So first off I am sorry, I know it's been a long time since I have blogged. I have neglected this poor blog for so long, guess I am happy it's still here haha. Frankly I don't even have an excuse for not doing my blog. It's not like work or anything else was getting in my way. And anyone whose known me well they will tell you it's rare for me to be at a loss for words.
So here is a quick health update. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, (something that doesn't seem to shock those around me but took me by surprise, why am I always the last to know everything!) and put on a medication that surprise, surprise brought my brain back home! Super cool, it also has brought down my daily pain just a bit more and given me back a bit of energy to boot. Then there is the fact that my doctor has been very concerned with my extremely high pulse and blood pressure, so I have been on BP meds that I haven't responded to so they did a Kidney study and found out my right one is having a bit of an issue. Seems the artery that leads into the kidney is smaller than it should be, something I may have been born with so I get to add another specialist to my list in April. Yay me. Long explanation made short, the blood isn't getting into the kidney fast enough because of the small artery, so it could be/probably is the reason for my out of control Blood pressure. This can be fixed by surgery we'll figure that out after meeting the specialist. Other than that the Fibro is what it is and I continue to overdo it because well I am a dork. Can't seem to help myself!!!
Okay so now on to the big news, what this Blog is all about today. As of 2:30pm tomorrow I plan to obtain the goal of being a brand new non-smoker! Yes that is right you heard me I am getting rid of those nasty little cigarettes that some of ya'll have been yelling at me about for years. I started smoking when I was 15 years old. My smoking habit has been like my longest friend ever, well almost except for a few girls who recently found me on Facebook again! The ones who started smoking with me haha.
It's time, time to say goodbye to an unhealthy habit. 16 years is a long time to smoke, and to smoke almost a pack a day. Right now when the doctors listen to my lungs or do Xrays they are shocked that I am a smoker because the look and sound great still, I want to keep it that way. My children, sweet and adorable Colby and Brynna have started to pretend to smoke like Mommy. Yikes, definitely not something I want for them. The cost keeps rising and rising and rising. Plus it's freaking hard work to smoke. I can't smoke indoors anywhere anymore, gotta haul my butt outside, and then when I do get out there I get the snotties who glare at me for polluting their precious air. So I get all cranky and defensive wanting to defend my "rights" so there goes the relaxing calming effect I was looking for from that smoke in the first place. Plus with everything else that is out of MY control with my health this one thing I can control. I can say NO and make the healthier change, and make a little bit of a difference in my health. This won't get rid of the other things going haywire with me, it won't make me unbroken, or fix me I know that but even this small change can have greater impacts over the next 5-50 years.
I am going to accomplish this goal of becoming a Non-Smoker with the help of the Positive Changes Hypnosis Center.(http://www.positivechanges.com/) They have a really good success rate and I have even talked with people who have succeeded with their help. As I go through this I plan to blog about it each day and let you know how it goes, how it works, and let you know if I am successful.
They asked me to name 5 reasons I want to quit smoking and here they are:
1. This is in my Control it's my CHOICE to make for a healthier me.
2. My Children. For too many reasons to list!
3. The Cost, there are more important/fun things our family can do with the savings.
4. The inconvenient time and effort it takes to smoke.
5. For my Papa George.
I will admit I am not only apprehensive about my first hypnosis session tomorrow (I really am you would think they were going to stick me in a tank of spiders as nervous as I am!), but the thing that give me great hope is that I am excited to quit smoking. I went to the gas station today and bought my last pack of cigarettes, even announced to the clerk "this is my very last pack ever, I am quitting tomorrow." He asked me for how long and I replied with a great big smile, "Forever." He wished me good luck and said good for me. And the two people behind me in line actually gave me a little clap. I was beat red blushing a ripe red tommato! Then I heard the guy behind me who had just clapped ask for his cigarettes and then say "man I really need to quit too." Which made my smile get just that much bigger!
So I ask of you my friends, family, readers, and random person who happens to stumble across my ramblings to please keep me in your prayers that my heart and mind be wide open to the hypnosis so that I may succeed with this endeavor with God's help, your support and good vibes coming my way, and all the love I feel around me. (For those of you who don't pray or call your higher being God just to let you know that's awesome in my book. I am a come as you are, believe your beliefs, worship as you worship kind of girl. I do not judge by any means no matter what your beliefs on any topic are!!!)
Thank you all for taking the time to read my drivel and sorry for the hiatus. Please take this journey to becoming smoke free with me!
Love,
~Mindy
Showing posts with label fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Thursday, December 3, 2009
New adventures and a whole lot of pain.....(it's a long one)
Sorry it's been a while since I last blogged, I got caught up in the goings on with Thanksgiving and then found my creative side, LOL!
So Thanksgiving with my Hubby and children was a blast! Colby came in to our room and had us up at 6am even though Casey and I tried to convince him to go back to sleep. Instead we ended up tickling each other and receiving and giving lots of morning kisses as we lazed about in Mommy and Daddy's bed. This went on until Brynna woke up at 7am, then we finally made our way upstairs. Casey ran out and picked up a Thanksgiving paper and a Mocha for Mommy (I am an addict when it comes to my coffee!), my husband is so awesome. We all sat down to a very yummy breakfast of French toast and bacon made by Casey (did I mention my husband can cook and it's all so delicious!!!).
After breakfast it was just about time for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, so we all settled in to watch. I made my few quick calls to family back in Wisconsin to wish them all a Happy Thanksgiving, and finished up just as the parade came on. Colby and Brynna were fascinated some of the parade, other parts of it they could care less for at this age LOL. Brynna showed us that she is definitely going to be our little dancer, as every time any of the Broadway shows did their numbers she was trying to copy the choreography Casey and I of course gave each other the Holy Crap look, and Casey said, "I guess she won't have a problem with choreography when she gets older!" (We love the show So You Think You Can Dance.) When the Rockettes came on we had to rewind it 3 times for them to watch the girls dance. Brynna was even attempting the high kicks, and well I think Colby might be a leg man like his father LOL! Brynna at one point said "Dance with me Mommy." Of course I had to oblige her so I was up dancing with my children.
Soon it was time for me to hit the shower and get us ready to go to dinner at Aunt Terry's Mom's house. We all got dressed up and headed down. The meal was fantastic and huge! I think Miss Sandy made enough food to feed the Marine Corps, and that was after we were done eating LOL! There was a beef roast, a ham, a pork roast, a turkey (of course), 20 pounds of mashed potatoes, a variety of 4 or more "salads", veggies, stuffing, rolls, cranberries, olives, pickles, green bean casserole, and candied yams! Mind you that doesn't even cover desert which was pumpkin pies, pecan pie, apple pie, and brownies. I was so full, yes I at way too much food. It's an unwritten law that you must stuff yourself on Thanksgiving isn't it? By the time we got home I literally passed out on our love seat. I laid down and was so sound asleep in minutes that Casey couldn't even wake me to say goodnight to the kids at 7pm. After he put the kids to bed he managed to rouse me enough to get me to walk into our bedroom, which I don't remember at all. I woke up at 8:30 and asked him how the heck I had gotten into our room. I was completely wiped out. Wow, I couldn't believe how fully drained I was and my only thought was how am I going to survive Christmas if Thanksgiving did this to me LOL!!!
So that weekend we decorated the house, by which I mean Casey and the kids did most of the decorating. I just mainly sat there and watched them because I was still low on energy and my pain was elevated slightly. End result our house looks gorgeous for the Christmas season. Oh and we did do shopping both Saturday and Sunday for decorations only, I wouldn't get near the mall craziness!!!
Then enters Monday and I get an idea in my head that I just can't shake so guess where I find myself on Tuesday.....out shopping for materials. I had been looking for a nice Stationary gift boxed set, similar to what one of my friends gave me about 7 or 8 years ago. I scoured the net and came up with nothing, it seems the art of hand written correspondence is a dying. Somehow I stumbled across decoupage which is the art of decorating an object by gluing colored paper cutouts onto it in combination with special paint effects, gold leaf and so on. Commonly an object like a small box or an item of furniture is covered by cutouts from magazines or from purpose-manufactured papers. Each layer is sealed with varnishes (often multiple coats) until the "stuck on" appearance disappears and the result looks like painting or inlay work. So I decide to make my own "writing box" and then I can fill it and decorate it to my liking anyway. Well I don't find the materials for my writing box and at first I contemplated building my own wooden box, then scratched that idea figuring that would be a little too over my head for now. (I have a really bad habit of going overboard and over my head, that whole jump without looking think hahaha) So I find this really simple unfinished cigar box and decided to make something out of it to test the waters of decoupage. I also didn't go crazy buying materials as I knew I had a bunch of things that would work from my failed foray into scrapbooking (and I man would it make my Hubby happy if I actually used them hehehe)!
So home I did trot with a determination I hadn't felt in ages, and an adrenaline rush to boot, plus my creative juices were flowing. I set myself up in the garage and set to work on my first piece. I started at about 4pm and was still working when my husband got home at 11pm that night! I was focused and happy creating this box. I loved it. I forgot while I was working that I was sitting in an uncomfortable metal folding chair, I forgot to go out and smoke for the most part (I only had two cigarettes in that time frame!!!), and I forgot about the pain for a little while. I was free for a while in unleashing my creativity. I was in heaven.
When I got up the next morning I was in pain but I ignored it and went to my therapy appointment, then to my friend Julie's. I had a great time there holding the baby for a little while, but I listened to my body and when my arms started to ache I put him in his swing. I tried to be helpful to their candy making efforts by policing the kids a bit. I even listen to my body when I could feel the energy waning in me and said my goodbyes gave hugs, headed home for that nap that my body was telling me I needed. But first I'll just swing by the craft store and pick up the stuff to finish off the box. Yeah an hour later I walk out with not just the stuff to finish my first box but more boxes as well! And that nap, somehow I was in the garage working on the box thinking I'll just get this first coat of paint done and then I'll nap while it dries, sure. And wouldn't you know it the second box 'magically' appeared in my hands and I was painting it while the paint dried on the first box. And that's where I was when the hubby got home at 5pm. I did put things away and went in the house shortly after he got home.
It didn't take long for the pain to set in either. It was horrible and it was bad. I could barely move, I was so stiff and the pain was so bad I was doing my 'old lady shuffle'. All I could think was crap, I haven't been this bad in a while. Casey made dinner and helped me up the stairs, so we shared our evening upstairs and then he helped me back down and we went to bed. I slept horrible, I couldn't get comfortable because of the pain. So when Casey was leaving for work and handing my morning meds, I asked for one of my pain pills. That says enough right there. For me to ask for a pain pill is huge, because I hate them. I hate the way they make me feel, and I usually fight taking them. I have had doctors argue with me to take my pain meds, because I hate them so much. I actually have a doctor who once said, "In today's world I usually have to worry about my patients taking too much of their pain meds, with you I'm having to police whether or not you are actually taking enough or any! You don't want to be in pain yet you won't take the meds that will help the pain at least a little bit! What am I going to do with you!" She just shook her head at me at that point.
I feel like I am not really doing much of anything, I mean what I have done in the last week is really not that much. I know I am not supposed to compare what I am capable of handling now versus what I could do even a year or two ago, but it is really hard not to. How else do I judge the efforts I am putting forth? Even as I write this it astounds me that just the small amount of things I did this last week was enough to send me into excruciating pain. Has my life been reduced to this really? I know that part of this melancholy today is the pain, and when I am hurting this bad I always start down the why me path, the it's not fair, and the this totally sucks path. I hate this disease. I hate what it has done to me, to my family, to every part of my life because there is nothing that has not been affected in some form or another by this.
I just want to end this on a positive note. I am thankful for everyone who reads this blog. I am thankful for my friends and family. I am thankful for Nanny De who has made our lives richer with her wisdom and easier because of her love and care for all of us. I am thankful for my husband who takes care of me and our family. I am thankful for two beautiful amazing children who make my world complete. I am thankful that God loves me and understands even when I get angry with him. I am thankful to have so many compassionate people in my life willing to help and support me through this never ending battle.
So Thanksgiving with my Hubby and children was a blast! Colby came in to our room and had us up at 6am even though Casey and I tried to convince him to go back to sleep. Instead we ended up tickling each other and receiving and giving lots of morning kisses as we lazed about in Mommy and Daddy's bed. This went on until Brynna woke up at 7am, then we finally made our way upstairs. Casey ran out and picked up a Thanksgiving paper and a Mocha for Mommy (I am an addict when it comes to my coffee!), my husband is so awesome. We all sat down to a very yummy breakfast of French toast and bacon made by Casey (did I mention my husband can cook and it's all so delicious!!!).
After breakfast it was just about time for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, so we all settled in to watch. I made my few quick calls to family back in Wisconsin to wish them all a Happy Thanksgiving, and finished up just as the parade came on. Colby and Brynna were fascinated some of the parade, other parts of it they could care less for at this age LOL. Brynna showed us that she is definitely going to be our little dancer, as every time any of the Broadway shows did their numbers she was trying to copy the choreography Casey and I of course gave each other the Holy Crap look, and Casey said, "I guess she won't have a problem with choreography when she gets older!" (We love the show So You Think You Can Dance.) When the Rockettes came on we had to rewind it 3 times for them to watch the girls dance. Brynna was even attempting the high kicks, and well I think Colby might be a leg man like his father LOL! Brynna at one point said "Dance with me Mommy." Of course I had to oblige her so I was up dancing with my children.
Soon it was time for me to hit the shower and get us ready to go to dinner at Aunt Terry's Mom's house. We all got dressed up and headed down. The meal was fantastic and huge! I think Miss Sandy made enough food to feed the Marine Corps, and that was after we were done eating LOL! There was a beef roast, a ham, a pork roast, a turkey (of course), 20 pounds of mashed potatoes, a variety of 4 or more "salads", veggies, stuffing, rolls, cranberries, olives, pickles, green bean casserole, and candied yams! Mind you that doesn't even cover desert which was pumpkin pies, pecan pie, apple pie, and brownies. I was so full, yes I at way too much food. It's an unwritten law that you must stuff yourself on Thanksgiving isn't it? By the time we got home I literally passed out on our love seat. I laid down and was so sound asleep in minutes that Casey couldn't even wake me to say goodnight to the kids at 7pm. After he put the kids to bed he managed to rouse me enough to get me to walk into our bedroom, which I don't remember at all. I woke up at 8:30 and asked him how the heck I had gotten into our room. I was completely wiped out. Wow, I couldn't believe how fully drained I was and my only thought was how am I going to survive Christmas if Thanksgiving did this to me LOL!!!
So that weekend we decorated the house, by which I mean Casey and the kids did most of the decorating. I just mainly sat there and watched them because I was still low on energy and my pain was elevated slightly. End result our house looks gorgeous for the Christmas season. Oh and we did do shopping both Saturday and Sunday for decorations only, I wouldn't get near the mall craziness!!!
Then enters Monday and I get an idea in my head that I just can't shake so guess where I find myself on Tuesday.....out shopping for materials. I had been looking for a nice Stationary gift boxed set, similar to what one of my friends gave me about 7 or 8 years ago. I scoured the net and came up with nothing, it seems the art of hand written correspondence is a dying. Somehow I stumbled across decoupage which is the art of decorating an object by gluing colored paper cutouts onto it in combination with special paint effects, gold leaf and so on. Commonly an object like a small box or an item of furniture is covered by cutouts from magazines or from purpose-manufactured papers. Each layer is sealed with varnishes (often multiple coats) until the "stuck on" appearance disappears and the result looks like painting or inlay work. So I decide to make my own "writing box" and then I can fill it and decorate it to my liking anyway. Well I don't find the materials for my writing box and at first I contemplated building my own wooden box, then scratched that idea figuring that would be a little too over my head for now. (I have a really bad habit of going overboard and over my head, that whole jump without looking think hahaha) So I find this really simple unfinished cigar box and decided to make something out of it to test the waters of decoupage. I also didn't go crazy buying materials as I knew I had a bunch of things that would work from my failed foray into scrapbooking (and I man would it make my Hubby happy if I actually used them hehehe)!
So home I did trot with a determination I hadn't felt in ages, and an adrenaline rush to boot, plus my creative juices were flowing. I set myself up in the garage and set to work on my first piece. I started at about 4pm and was still working when my husband got home at 11pm that night! I was focused and happy creating this box. I loved it. I forgot while I was working that I was sitting in an uncomfortable metal folding chair, I forgot to go out and smoke for the most part (I only had two cigarettes in that time frame!!!), and I forgot about the pain for a little while. I was free for a while in unleashing my creativity. I was in heaven.
When I got up the next morning I was in pain but I ignored it and went to my therapy appointment, then to my friend Julie's. I had a great time there holding the baby for a little while, but I listened to my body and when my arms started to ache I put him in his swing. I tried to be helpful to their candy making efforts by policing the kids a bit. I even listen to my body when I could feel the energy waning in me and said my goodbyes gave hugs, headed home for that nap that my body was telling me I needed. But first I'll just swing by the craft store and pick up the stuff to finish off the box. Yeah an hour later I walk out with not just the stuff to finish my first box but more boxes as well! And that nap, somehow I was in the garage working on the box thinking I'll just get this first coat of paint done and then I'll nap while it dries, sure. And wouldn't you know it the second box 'magically' appeared in my hands and I was painting it while the paint dried on the first box. And that's where I was when the hubby got home at 5pm. I did put things away and went in the house shortly after he got home.
It didn't take long for the pain to set in either. It was horrible and it was bad. I could barely move, I was so stiff and the pain was so bad I was doing my 'old lady shuffle'. All I could think was crap, I haven't been this bad in a while. Casey made dinner and helped me up the stairs, so we shared our evening upstairs and then he helped me back down and we went to bed. I slept horrible, I couldn't get comfortable because of the pain. So when Casey was leaving for work and handing my morning meds, I asked for one of my pain pills. That says enough right there. For me to ask for a pain pill is huge, because I hate them. I hate the way they make me feel, and I usually fight taking them. I have had doctors argue with me to take my pain meds, because I hate them so much. I actually have a doctor who once said, "In today's world I usually have to worry about my patients taking too much of their pain meds, with you I'm having to police whether or not you are actually taking enough or any! You don't want to be in pain yet you won't take the meds that will help the pain at least a little bit! What am I going to do with you!" She just shook her head at me at that point.
I feel like I am not really doing much of anything, I mean what I have done in the last week is really not that much. I know I am not supposed to compare what I am capable of handling now versus what I could do even a year or two ago, but it is really hard not to. How else do I judge the efforts I am putting forth? Even as I write this it astounds me that just the small amount of things I did this last week was enough to send me into excruciating pain. Has my life been reduced to this really? I know that part of this melancholy today is the pain, and when I am hurting this bad I always start down the why me path, the it's not fair, and the this totally sucks path. I hate this disease. I hate what it has done to me, to my family, to every part of my life because there is nothing that has not been affected in some form or another by this.
I just want to end this on a positive note. I am thankful for everyone who reads this blog. I am thankful for my friends and family. I am thankful for Nanny De who has made our lives richer with her wisdom and easier because of her love and care for all of us. I am thankful for my husband who takes care of me and our family. I am thankful for two beautiful amazing children who make my world complete. I am thankful that God loves me and understands even when I get angry with him. I am thankful to have so many compassionate people in my life willing to help and support me through this never ending battle.
Friday, November 20, 2009
A couple of painful days....
Well I managed to overdo it again. I can't seem to help myself. I feel like I am no doing anything as it is, I feel lazy. Then I go do what would have been just a year ago things that would have been no big deal, and I am in so much pain I can't even move my arms to type on the computer. I am so frustrated at how useless I feel and how little my body can handle.
Even my children know that Mommy is different and it breaks my heart at how much this has affected them. Colby asks me now How much I hurt, and he really tries not to hurt me. Brynna will walk up and kiss my foot and ask if that helped, which is so darn sweet. Last night I went upstairs to hang out with them, and Brynna grabbed a pillow for my head while, Colby grabbed my blanket so I could get settled into my "nest" on the couch. I have such wonderful children, I just wish I could be the complete healthy mom they deserve.
I don't know how many times I lay in bed at night and wonder if they are going to hate me someday for all the things I wasn't able to do for them at times. How badly is this going to affect them?
I had dreams for the type of Mommy I was going to be. I was going to be the ultimate soccer Mom, involved in all their activities. Enjoying shuttling them from place to place. Being completely hands on. I was going to teach them everything they needed to know to be ready for school, and then some. I was going to be there to help them practice whatever it is they needed. Whether that was playing soccer or baseball with them, dancing, you name it I wanted to run with them or whatever they needed from me. I wanted to be the Mom they could always count on. The Mom who always had snacks ready for friends whether planned or spontaneous.
Now I feel like I have let my kids down. And I fear that someday they'll hate me for it.
Even my children know that Mommy is different and it breaks my heart at how much this has affected them. Colby asks me now How much I hurt, and he really tries not to hurt me. Brynna will walk up and kiss my foot and ask if that helped, which is so darn sweet. Last night I went upstairs to hang out with them, and Brynna grabbed a pillow for my head while, Colby grabbed my blanket so I could get settled into my "nest" on the couch. I have such wonderful children, I just wish I could be the complete healthy mom they deserve.
I don't know how many times I lay in bed at night and wonder if they are going to hate me someday for all the things I wasn't able to do for them at times. How badly is this going to affect them?
I had dreams for the type of Mommy I was going to be. I was going to be the ultimate soccer Mom, involved in all their activities. Enjoying shuttling them from place to place. Being completely hands on. I was going to teach them everything they needed to know to be ready for school, and then some. I was going to be there to help them practice whatever it is they needed. Whether that was playing soccer or baseball with them, dancing, you name it I wanted to run with them or whatever they needed from me. I wanted to be the Mom they could always count on. The Mom who always had snacks ready for friends whether planned or spontaneous.
Now I feel like I have let my kids down. And I fear that someday they'll hate me for it.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The birds.......
Have you ever watched birds in a wind storm? I did just now for about 20 minutes. I was spellbound. It was amazing to see this flock of about 30 or more tiny little birds trying to make some head way south in gusty winds. They kept trying over and over. They would fly with all their might and get blown back into a pine tree. I imagine they were griping with all their might just to hang on as the boughs whipped in the wind. After a minute or two they could no longer hang on and as a group, they would fly to the neighbor's lawn. In another few minutes they would take flight and get buffeted back onto the neighbor's rooftop. Another couple of minutes to rest and again as if of a single mind they took to the air against the wind. And back they were blown to the tree. This process was repeated over and over like clockwork with no variation until 4 big ugly crows decided to join the party.
The tiny birds started chittering at the crows as they landed in the tree, upsetting the delicate balance of some of the little birds. This sent all of the birds into the air with crows almost laughing as they managed to fly off to the south scattering the little birds. I watched and they quickly regrouped on the rooftop and began to battle the wind again. Right back to the pattern they had been in before. After a few more rounds one of the little birds made it as far as the next neighbor's rooftop, and he looked back for his friends who were all rebuffed by the wind onto the other rooftop. He held his perch and watched two cycles of the bird-wind battle before giving up his own triumph to return to his friends.
The birds continued on trying to gain some ground to the south, and unfortunately the wind was still winning when I finally came in the house. I don't know why but it made me smile to watch these tiny little birds fighting with all they had against a force of nature they probably had no chance against. It was an unbalanced match but these sweet tiny birds were not going to give up seemingly no matter how long it took.
As I sat there watching I began to think that I was witnessing a fluid picture of how I feel every day. That as weird as it sounds I felt like I was watching myself battle this disease. I don't understand exactly what I was thinking or feeling, other than I felt like I was meant somehow to see this. Who knows maybe God was sending me a message in those tiny little birds. Maybe I'll even figure out what that is one of these days, LOL. All I know is it was a beautiful sight and it made me smile, and for some reason touched my heart.
The tiny birds started chittering at the crows as they landed in the tree, upsetting the delicate balance of some of the little birds. This sent all of the birds into the air with crows almost laughing as they managed to fly off to the south scattering the little birds. I watched and they quickly regrouped on the rooftop and began to battle the wind again. Right back to the pattern they had been in before. After a few more rounds one of the little birds made it as far as the next neighbor's rooftop, and he looked back for his friends who were all rebuffed by the wind onto the other rooftop. He held his perch and watched two cycles of the bird-wind battle before giving up his own triumph to return to his friends.
The birds continued on trying to gain some ground to the south, and unfortunately the wind was still winning when I finally came in the house. I don't know why but it made me smile to watch these tiny little birds fighting with all they had against a force of nature they probably had no chance against. It was an unbalanced match but these sweet tiny birds were not going to give up seemingly no matter how long it took.
As I sat there watching I began to think that I was witnessing a fluid picture of how I feel every day. That as weird as it sounds I felt like I was watching myself battle this disease. I don't understand exactly what I was thinking or feeling, other than I felt like I was meant somehow to see this. Who knows maybe God was sending me a message in those tiny little birds. Maybe I'll even figure out what that is one of these days, LOL. All I know is it was a beautiful sight and it made me smile, and for some reason touched my heart.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A reprint of a letter I wrote a couple of months ago......
Portions of this letter are taken from a letter entitled "A Love Letter to Normals" by Claudia Marek. From a book she wrote. I found it online along with this statement: Here is my letter written to explain to family and friends what it's like to have fibromyalgia. It won't work miracles: it's hard to understand our illness from the outside looking in. But it is a start and can open the door to important dialogues. You are all welcome to use it, either as is, or as a basis for writing your own. Remember that you have a responsibility to tell those close to you what is wrong and communicate as clearly as you can how you feel and what you need. The best time to do that is when you are not upset!
I felt the origonal tone of her letter was that of something written possibly to a spouse or significant other, so I worked on generalizing mine to a broader audience of friends and family. The key concepts and descriptions touched my heart and resonated so completely with me that I felt I might have found a tool to help others understand even a tiny bit what was going on inside of this body of mine. As Claudia Marek said please feel free to use my letter as a template for your own or as it is. Reposted here 11.14.09.
Dear Family and Friends,
If you are receiving this it means I feel you are an important part of my life and I want you to understand what is happening to me. This was suggested by my therapist and also others who suffer with Fibromyalgia. Ever since I had the children my health has been going downhill. I had a partial hysterectomy to deal with my Endometriosis which I have had since my late teens, after Brynna was born. I have been to specialists to deal with my Migraines which I have had since my mid teens. And then in January of this year abdominal pain sent me back into the ER. They started to do a battery of tests to diagnose what the heck was going on in my body. Things started out simple with checking for appendicitis or kidney stones, and when that wasn't the problem it got scary for a while. They scared the hell out of us, my husband was beginning to think he may loose me when doctors started talking about Cancer, and thankfully that wasn't it. Then they decided an MRI of my brain was necessary, thinking a possible brain tumor could be the culprit. Again, thank God the scan came back clean. I was then sent to see an Internist, she looked at the tests already run, my medical history and ran a few more tests. She then sent me to a Rheumatologist because she felt I had a condition called Fibromyalgia. At first I was thinking it was some weird tropical disease, because I had never heard of it, she got quite a laugh at that one. The Rheumatologist ran his own battery of tests then came back and agreed with the internists diagnosis.
In the end it turns out that for me all of it was interconnected. There have been corralations found between those who have certain diseases and Fibromyalgia, however just because you have one doesn't mean you will have the other. For instance I as my doctor put it have the unforunate luck of the draw to have Migraines, IBS, Endometriosis and Fibromyalgia. How did the doctor put it a serious mix of badness..... Some people with Fibro just have Fibro. Some have Fibro and Migraines, others Fibro and IBS.....etc. See the pattern. You can have any mix of these things going on. So basically the doctor said I am like a juggler trying to keep a bunch of balls in the air (everything under control), and that's why it has felt like once I get one thing under control something else spins out of control, it is because I probably dropped a different ball. My body is simply overwhelmed, not a good state for Fibromyalgia.
I never knew it but I am not the first person to deal with this in my family. I hadn't talked to my Aunt on my Dad's side in 10 years or maybe I might have know what Fibromyalgia was before it hit me. All I knew growing up was that my Aunt was very sick all the time. I talked to her for the first time two weeks ago and when I informed her that I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, she said she was sorry and then informed that that's what she had too. I was shocked and scared. I had seen what this woman's life was like and the thought that mine would be that bad left me shaking. Thankfully my husband and therapist reminded me that she was diagnosed 20 years ago when they didn't even have a name for it. Medicine has come a long way and will continue to develop new treatments. Plus my Aunt has promised to stay in contact with me and guide me through some of this illness. She can tell me what treatments made things much worse for her and save me from some of that.
So here is what Fibromyalgia is or what it feels like, at least the best I can put it into words............
Fibromyalgia isn't all in my head, and it isn't contagious. It doesn't turn into anything serious and nobody ever died from fibromyalgia though they might have wished they could on really awful days. I know that there are days I wish it. I can't control how often I feel good or how often I feel terrible. This is all very new to me and I am learning as I go, please be patient with me. I am more than willing to share what I learn from my doctors and therapists. This is definitely going to be a process. The first step is for you to believe that there is an illness called fibromyalgia and that I have it. This may sound simple, but when you hear about some of the symptoms I don't want you to think I'm making it up. My symptoms are not on the outside like a lot of illnesses, I don't "look" sick, but even though it's invisible to the outside world it is still very real inside my body.
Fibromyalgia is a high maintenance condition with lots and lots of different kinds of symptoms. There's no way to just take a pill to make it go away, even for a little while. Sometimes a certain medication can make some of my symptoms more bearable. I am being sent to a Pain Management Specialist in Seattle, who will hopefully find the right regiment. That's about the best I can hope for. Sometimes I can take a lot of medication and still not feel any better. That's just the way it goes.
There's no cure for fibromyalgia and it won't go away. If I am functioning normally, I am having a good day. This doesn't mean I'm getting better because I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue for which there is no cure. I can have good days, weeks or even months. But a good morning can suddenly turn into a terrible afternoon. I get a feeling like someone has pulled out a plug and all my energy has just run out of my body. I might get more irritable before these flares, and suddenly get more sensitive to noise or just collapse from deadening fatigue. Other times there may be no warning, I may just suddenly feel awful. I can't warn you when this is likely to happen because there isn't any way for me to know. Sometimes this is a real spoiler and I'm sorry.
Fibromyalgics have a different kind of pain that is hard to treat. It is not caused by inflammation like an injury. It is not a constant ache in one place like a broken bone. It moves around my body daily and hourly and changes in severity and type. Sometimes it is dull and sometimes it is cramping or prickly. Sometimes it's jabbing and excruciating. If Eskimos have a hundred words for snow, fibromyalgics should have them for pain. Sometimes I just hurt all over.
Besides pain we have muscle stiffness which is worse in the morning. Sometimes when I get up out of a chair I feel like I am ninety years old. I may ask you to pull me up. I'm creaky and I'm klutzy. I trip over things no one can see, and I bump into the person I am walking with and I drop things and spill things because my fingers are stiff and my coordination is off. I just don't seem to connect the way I should. Hand-eye, foot-eye coordination, it's all off. I walk slowly up and down stairs because I'm stiff and I'm afraid I might fall. Or these things happen also when my muscles start to "twitch" for no reason what so ever.
Because I feel bad most of the time I am always pushing myself, and sometimes I push myself too hard. When I do this, I pay the price. Sometimes I can summon the strength to do something special but I will usually have to rest for a few days because my body can only make so much energy. I pay a big price for overdoing it, but sometimes I have to. I know it's hard for you to understand why I can do one thing and not another. It's important for you to believe me, and trust me about this. My limitations, like my pain and my other symptoms are invisible, but they are there.
Another symptom I have is problems with memory and concentration which is called fibrofog. Short-term memory is the worst! I am constantly looking for things which I have no idea where I put, I walk into rooms and have no idea why. Casualties are my keys which are always lost, my list of errands, which I write up and leave on the counter when I go out. Even if I put notes around to remind myself of important things, I'm still liable to forget them. Don't worry, this is normal for fibromyalgics. Most of us are frightened that we are getting Alzheimer's.
I mentioned my sensitivities earlier and I need to talk about them again. It's more like an intolerance to everything. To noise, especially certain noises like the television or shrill noises. To smells like fish or some chemicals, or fragrances or perfume. I also have a problem with heat and cold. It sounds like I'm never happy but that isn't it. These things make me physically ill. They stress me out and make my pain worse and I get exhausted. Sometimes I just need to get away from something, I just don't know how to say it. I know that sometimes this means I will have to go outside, or out to the car,or home to sit alone and that's really all right. Sometimes when I feel lousy I just want to be by myself. When I'm like this there's nothing you can do to make me feel better, so it's just better to let me be.
I have problems sleeping. Sometimes I get really restless and wake up and can't get back to sleep. Other times I fall into bed and sleep for fourteen hours. Sometimes I just can't seem to fall asleep no matter what I do. I'm sure that's confusing to be around.
All these symptoms and the chemicals in my brain can leave me depressed as you'd imagine. I get angry and frustrated and I have mood swings. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't admit it. Sometimes I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. These emotions are all very strong and powerful. I know this is a very hard thing about being with me. Every time you put up with me when I'm in one of my moods, secretly I'm grateful. I can't always admit it at the time, but I'm admitting it now.
I have other symptoms like irritable bowel and pelvic pain that will take their toll on my appetite as well as other factors of my life. I go through days of being okay with knowing that I have this and days that I want to scream at the world that it's not fair. A lot of days I find myself asking God, Why me? I feel trapped inside a body that is broken and it feels like a prison most days. Our family has hired a nanny to care for our two toddlers because I simply can't do it, and that breaks my heart. Every time I am down in my room and I hear their laughter and I know my pain keeps me from enjoying my family, my heart aches. I detest being away from them so much and I worry constantly what effects it will have on them. I hate that they see me in constant pain and sick all of the time. I want to throw myself on the ground like my two year old would and throw a major fit about how unfair this is to all of us, but that would hurt me too much. The price is to high. There are things I know I will not be able to do now and that makes me sad. For example, I will probably never take my kids on rides at a theme park because the price to my body will be too high.
There are things in this life that I will do despite this horrible illness, no matter how creative I have to get to make them happen! I will make compromises to succeed in as many dreams as possible. All I ask of you is to be be understanding, forgiving, and believe in me. To be as healthy as possible I need to surround myself with positive people who understand and want to help me, not make things worse. I only have a small amount of energy at my disposal. Think of it like a bank account. I will only make withdrawals on my account of energy for those who are willing to help me make deposits into that account. If I need to cancel to things at the last moment or change plans or whatever, know this I am sorry. If you are frustrated just think how I feel trapped in this prison of a body.
I love and respect all of you enough to send this letter to you. If you have received this it means you are an important part of my life. This is my way of letting you know what has been going on and why I have been off the radar so much. I am sure many of you knew of my diagnosis, and for those who did not this was the best way I found to explain it. My therapist suggests writing things out because that is how I can get my emotions out most effectively, or at least that seems to work best for me. Plus it allowed me to really gather my thoughts together. It has been really hard for me to explain Fibromyalgia, and this is the best I can come up with.
Love Always,
~Mindy
I felt the origonal tone of her letter was that of something written possibly to a spouse or significant other, so I worked on generalizing mine to a broader audience of friends and family. The key concepts and descriptions touched my heart and resonated so completely with me that I felt I might have found a tool to help others understand even a tiny bit what was going on inside of this body of mine. As Claudia Marek said please feel free to use my letter as a template for your own or as it is. Reposted here 11.14.09.
Dear Family and Friends,
If you are receiving this it means I feel you are an important part of my life and I want you to understand what is happening to me. This was suggested by my therapist and also others who suffer with Fibromyalgia. Ever since I had the children my health has been going downhill. I had a partial hysterectomy to deal with my Endometriosis which I have had since my late teens, after Brynna was born. I have been to specialists to deal with my Migraines which I have had since my mid teens. And then in January of this year abdominal pain sent me back into the ER. They started to do a battery of tests to diagnose what the heck was going on in my body. Things started out simple with checking for appendicitis or kidney stones, and when that wasn't the problem it got scary for a while. They scared the hell out of us, my husband was beginning to think he may loose me when doctors started talking about Cancer, and thankfully that wasn't it. Then they decided an MRI of my brain was necessary, thinking a possible brain tumor could be the culprit. Again, thank God the scan came back clean. I was then sent to see an Internist, she looked at the tests already run, my medical history and ran a few more tests. She then sent me to a Rheumatologist because she felt I had a condition called Fibromyalgia. At first I was thinking it was some weird tropical disease, because I had never heard of it, she got quite a laugh at that one. The Rheumatologist ran his own battery of tests then came back and agreed with the internists diagnosis.
In the end it turns out that for me all of it was interconnected. There have been corralations found between those who have certain diseases and Fibromyalgia, however just because you have one doesn't mean you will have the other. For instance I as my doctor put it have the unforunate luck of the draw to have Migraines, IBS, Endometriosis and Fibromyalgia. How did the doctor put it a serious mix of badness..... Some people with Fibro just have Fibro. Some have Fibro and Migraines, others Fibro and IBS.....etc. See the pattern. You can have any mix of these things going on. So basically the doctor said I am like a juggler trying to keep a bunch of balls in the air (everything under control), and that's why it has felt like once I get one thing under control something else spins out of control, it is because I probably dropped a different ball. My body is simply overwhelmed, not a good state for Fibromyalgia.
I never knew it but I am not the first person to deal with this in my family. I hadn't talked to my Aunt on my Dad's side in 10 years or maybe I might have know what Fibromyalgia was before it hit me. All I knew growing up was that my Aunt was very sick all the time. I talked to her for the first time two weeks ago and when I informed her that I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, she said she was sorry and then informed that that's what she had too. I was shocked and scared. I had seen what this woman's life was like and the thought that mine would be that bad left me shaking. Thankfully my husband and therapist reminded me that she was diagnosed 20 years ago when they didn't even have a name for it. Medicine has come a long way and will continue to develop new treatments. Plus my Aunt has promised to stay in contact with me and guide me through some of this illness. She can tell me what treatments made things much worse for her and save me from some of that.
So here is what Fibromyalgia is or what it feels like, at least the best I can put it into words............
Fibromyalgia isn't all in my head, and it isn't contagious. It doesn't turn into anything serious and nobody ever died from fibromyalgia though they might have wished they could on really awful days. I know that there are days I wish it. I can't control how often I feel good or how often I feel terrible. This is all very new to me and I am learning as I go, please be patient with me. I am more than willing to share what I learn from my doctors and therapists. This is definitely going to be a process. The first step is for you to believe that there is an illness called fibromyalgia and that I have it. This may sound simple, but when you hear about some of the symptoms I don't want you to think I'm making it up. My symptoms are not on the outside like a lot of illnesses, I don't "look" sick, but even though it's invisible to the outside world it is still very real inside my body.
Fibromyalgia is a high maintenance condition with lots and lots of different kinds of symptoms. There's no way to just take a pill to make it go away, even for a little while. Sometimes a certain medication can make some of my symptoms more bearable. I am being sent to a Pain Management Specialist in Seattle, who will hopefully find the right regiment. That's about the best I can hope for. Sometimes I can take a lot of medication and still not feel any better. That's just the way it goes.
There's no cure for fibromyalgia and it won't go away. If I am functioning normally, I am having a good day. This doesn't mean I'm getting better because I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue for which there is no cure. I can have good days, weeks or even months. But a good morning can suddenly turn into a terrible afternoon. I get a feeling like someone has pulled out a plug and all my energy has just run out of my body. I might get more irritable before these flares, and suddenly get more sensitive to noise or just collapse from deadening fatigue. Other times there may be no warning, I may just suddenly feel awful. I can't warn you when this is likely to happen because there isn't any way for me to know. Sometimes this is a real spoiler and I'm sorry.
Fibromyalgics have a different kind of pain that is hard to treat. It is not caused by inflammation like an injury. It is not a constant ache in one place like a broken bone. It moves around my body daily and hourly and changes in severity and type. Sometimes it is dull and sometimes it is cramping or prickly. Sometimes it's jabbing and excruciating. If Eskimos have a hundred words for snow, fibromyalgics should have them for pain. Sometimes I just hurt all over.
Besides pain we have muscle stiffness which is worse in the morning. Sometimes when I get up out of a chair I feel like I am ninety years old. I may ask you to pull me up. I'm creaky and I'm klutzy. I trip over things no one can see, and I bump into the person I am walking with and I drop things and spill things because my fingers are stiff and my coordination is off. I just don't seem to connect the way I should. Hand-eye, foot-eye coordination, it's all off. I walk slowly up and down stairs because I'm stiff and I'm afraid I might fall. Or these things happen also when my muscles start to "twitch" for no reason what so ever.
Because I feel bad most of the time I am always pushing myself, and sometimes I push myself too hard. When I do this, I pay the price. Sometimes I can summon the strength to do something special but I will usually have to rest for a few days because my body can only make so much energy. I pay a big price for overdoing it, but sometimes I have to. I know it's hard for you to understand why I can do one thing and not another. It's important for you to believe me, and trust me about this. My limitations, like my pain and my other symptoms are invisible, but they are there.
Another symptom I have is problems with memory and concentration which is called fibrofog. Short-term memory is the worst! I am constantly looking for things which I have no idea where I put, I walk into rooms and have no idea why. Casualties are my keys which are always lost, my list of errands, which I write up and leave on the counter when I go out. Even if I put notes around to remind myself of important things, I'm still liable to forget them. Don't worry, this is normal for fibromyalgics. Most of us are frightened that we are getting Alzheimer's.
I mentioned my sensitivities earlier and I need to talk about them again. It's more like an intolerance to everything. To noise, especially certain noises like the television or shrill noises. To smells like fish or some chemicals, or fragrances or perfume. I also have a problem with heat and cold. It sounds like I'm never happy but that isn't it. These things make me physically ill. They stress me out and make my pain worse and I get exhausted. Sometimes I just need to get away from something, I just don't know how to say it. I know that sometimes this means I will have to go outside, or out to the car,or home to sit alone and that's really all right. Sometimes when I feel lousy I just want to be by myself. When I'm like this there's nothing you can do to make me feel better, so it's just better to let me be.
I have problems sleeping. Sometimes I get really restless and wake up and can't get back to sleep. Other times I fall into bed and sleep for fourteen hours. Sometimes I just can't seem to fall asleep no matter what I do. I'm sure that's confusing to be around.
All these symptoms and the chemicals in my brain can leave me depressed as you'd imagine. I get angry and frustrated and I have mood swings. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't admit it. Sometimes I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. These emotions are all very strong and powerful. I know this is a very hard thing about being with me. Every time you put up with me when I'm in one of my moods, secretly I'm grateful. I can't always admit it at the time, but I'm admitting it now.
I have other symptoms like irritable bowel and pelvic pain that will take their toll on my appetite as well as other factors of my life. I go through days of being okay with knowing that I have this and days that I want to scream at the world that it's not fair. A lot of days I find myself asking God, Why me? I feel trapped inside a body that is broken and it feels like a prison most days. Our family has hired a nanny to care for our two toddlers because I simply can't do it, and that breaks my heart. Every time I am down in my room and I hear their laughter and I know my pain keeps me from enjoying my family, my heart aches. I detest being away from them so much and I worry constantly what effects it will have on them. I hate that they see me in constant pain and sick all of the time. I want to throw myself on the ground like my two year old would and throw a major fit about how unfair this is to all of us, but that would hurt me too much. The price is to high. There are things I know I will not be able to do now and that makes me sad. For example, I will probably never take my kids on rides at a theme park because the price to my body will be too high.
There are things in this life that I will do despite this horrible illness, no matter how creative I have to get to make them happen! I will make compromises to succeed in as many dreams as possible. All I ask of you is to be be understanding, forgiving, and believe in me. To be as healthy as possible I need to surround myself with positive people who understand and want to help me, not make things worse. I only have a small amount of energy at my disposal. Think of it like a bank account. I will only make withdrawals on my account of energy for those who are willing to help me make deposits into that account. If I need to cancel to things at the last moment or change plans or whatever, know this I am sorry. If you are frustrated just think how I feel trapped in this prison of a body.
I love and respect all of you enough to send this letter to you. If you have received this it means you are an important part of my life. This is my way of letting you know what has been going on and why I have been off the radar so much. I am sure many of you knew of my diagnosis, and for those who did not this was the best way I found to explain it. My therapist suggests writing things out because that is how I can get my emotions out most effectively, or at least that seems to work best for me. Plus it allowed me to really gather my thoughts together. It has been really hard for me to explain Fibromyalgia, and this is the best I can come up with.
Love Always,
~Mindy
Frustrated at 2am.....
It's now well after 2am, it's 2:21am as I begin to write this entry to be exact. My husband has been snoring beside me since 9pm. And I shut off my game of Warcraft around 10:30pm knowing I needed to get to bed. So why am I still up? That is the question of the hour.
The answer to that is multifaceted. It could be the pain my body is in general which is a constant beast I struggle I to conquer but will with time learn to adapt and tolerate. Or possibly the pain in my ankle that still irritates me from the surgery I had to repair the ligaments last month, it's healing nicely but the pain lingers. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that my Temperpedic mattress suddenly feels like it has been reinforced with steel. I cannot get comfortable to save my life. No matter how much I pray for it sleep is not coming.
I feel horrible but I finally start whispering things to my husband to wake him up, and tell him I can't sleep. He tells me he's sorry and we both wish there is something he could do to help me. He asks if I took my night time meds to make sure that isn't what is throwing my system off, and well the answer is yes I remembered. So he does the only thing he can for me he gets up out of a warm bed, trudges out to the garage and grabs me some bottled water. He climbs back in bed just in time for little feet to come pattering down our hallway.
It's 2am and I have just turned on my computer, and the words "Oh crap" are muttered from my mouth just before the door swings open to admit our three and a half year old son, Colby.
"I pooped," he announces.
"He pooped," I say.
"I heard," my husband says. "Were Colby?"
"In my pants, I want you to get the baby wipes Daddy"
"In his pants," I repeat.
"Would you like to take care of this?" my husband says looking at me. Of course Colby didn't want me he wanted Daddy which made me grin. I shouldn't but what can I say it's after 2am and I am a little punchy. I really want to go to sleep.
So my son climbs into bed with us. (We are working on getting him to sleep in his own bed all night long but yeah so far, as you can tell our success rate has not been great!) So now he is snuggled into his Daddy and they are both peacefully asleep while I type a blog about why I am a wake.
The crappy thing is when these insomnia spells hit they throw me off. I get to a point where my sleep schedule gets completely screwed up. It's all so frustrating and irritating! There are times like tonight when I get the urge to throw myself on the floor and throw a temper tantrum like my daughter whose 2, only it would hurt too much in the end! I want to yell how unfair it is that I am sick and that my body hates me. When there are people out there who fake hurting just to get the drugs I HATE taking. (okay I'm not even going to start on that rant tonight! Another post!)
I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!!!!!! Please.......
~Mindy
The answer to that is multifaceted. It could be the pain my body is in general which is a constant beast I struggle I to conquer but will with time learn to adapt and tolerate. Or possibly the pain in my ankle that still irritates me from the surgery I had to repair the ligaments last month, it's healing nicely but the pain lingers. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that my Temperpedic mattress suddenly feels like it has been reinforced with steel. I cannot get comfortable to save my life. No matter how much I pray for it sleep is not coming.
I feel horrible but I finally start whispering things to my husband to wake him up, and tell him I can't sleep. He tells me he's sorry and we both wish there is something he could do to help me. He asks if I took my night time meds to make sure that isn't what is throwing my system off, and well the answer is yes I remembered. So he does the only thing he can for me he gets up out of a warm bed, trudges out to the garage and grabs me some bottled water. He climbs back in bed just in time for little feet to come pattering down our hallway.
It's 2am and I have just turned on my computer, and the words "Oh crap" are muttered from my mouth just before the door swings open to admit our three and a half year old son, Colby.
"I pooped," he announces.
"He pooped," I say.
"I heard," my husband says. "Were Colby?"
"In my pants, I want you to get the baby wipes Daddy"
"In his pants," I repeat.
"Would you like to take care of this?" my husband says looking at me. Of course Colby didn't want me he wanted Daddy which made me grin. I shouldn't but what can I say it's after 2am and I am a little punchy. I really want to go to sleep.
So my son climbs into bed with us. (We are working on getting him to sleep in his own bed all night long but yeah so far, as you can tell our success rate has not been great!) So now he is snuggled into his Daddy and they are both peacefully asleep while I type a blog about why I am a wake.
The crappy thing is when these insomnia spells hit they throw me off. I get to a point where my sleep schedule gets completely screwed up. It's all so frustrating and irritating! There are times like tonight when I get the urge to throw myself on the floor and throw a temper tantrum like my daughter whose 2, only it would hurt too much in the end! I want to yell how unfair it is that I am sick and that my body hates me. When there are people out there who fake hurting just to get the drugs I HATE taking. (okay I'm not even going to start on that rant tonight! Another post!)
I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!!!!!! Please.......
~Mindy
Friday, November 13, 2009
Okay here goes.....
I am starting this blog as me. Just me; in all that I am faults and all. I had another blog but it felt hollow and somehow unfulfilling. It took me a while to come to face the truth that in hiding behind a “pen” name I was not allowing myself to truly grow or actually let my blog get out there where it could find readers! I had at least a couple of friends who followed and read my ramblings but that was it, so of course I had already set myself up to fail. Something I am quite good at actually. You can’t keep something hidden if you want it to shine so here goes.
This is my leap. I know that what is written in here is only how I think and feel not how others necessarily think or feel. Not everyone will always agree with me and that is okay. I may even hurt a few feelings inadvertently along the way, never my intentions but it happens when you publicly put your thoughts out there. If this ever happens please contact me at the email for this blog, it’s listed in the about me section.
The beginning of my journey…..
My life has taken a drastic turn with the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia this last year. The past few years have been rough with my health and it has definitely been snowballing on us. I have spent more time in my bedroom than anywhere else this past year and as you can imagine it’s boring and slowly driving me insane. I have had to lean on friends and family for support to get me and my family through this. We had to hire a nanny to take over my duties as a stay at home mom last spring as I was no longer capable of doing it. Pain and exhaustion kept me bed ridden and unable to pick up our toddlers or care for our home. I was devastated. I felt useless and there are days I still feel that way. At least I have a diagnosis now.
When the doctors are finding that things keep going wrong in your body you start to feel like you are crazy. First this is wrong, then this, and now it’s something else. I began to look at myself in the mirror and wonder if it was all in my head, maybe I was crazy. In January of this year I landed in the Emergency Room (something I have become quite familiar with in the last 10 years) and it finally led me to an Internist. She looked at my medical history and started putting the puzzle pieces together. She sent me to a Rheumatologist who diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. After a few months with him with no relief in sight he sent me to a Pain Management Specialist at one of the best hospitals in Seattle. Some new medications and few weeks later and I went back in for my follow up ready to kiss the doctor!
I am not cured, there is no cure. But when the pain goes from please let me die to this really hurts but I can manage this in a matter of 10 days, there is cause to rejoice. I am on Lyrica and Savella, I am one of the lucky people that the meds give relief to, I have heard from other sufferers that they were not helped. Unfortunate but the nature of the disease, we are all unique.
I still have a very long process ahead of me. One that is going to require me to take baby steps to regain some of my strength and stamina, as I have been sick a long time now. My body is at war with itself and I will never win that war but I can win a few battles! LOL! I will never be the same Mindy I was before I got sick, but I will become a new Mindy who accepts the boundaries of this disease while remaining positive and as healthy as possible and living life to the fullest that I can. I may have to get creative but that’s never been my problem it’s the follow through where I get into trouble LOL!
So that is a little bit about me and why I am writing this blog. Come on in and pull up a chair, I love to talk so leave lots of comments!
~Mindy
This is my leap. I know that what is written in here is only how I think and feel not how others necessarily think or feel. Not everyone will always agree with me and that is okay. I may even hurt a few feelings inadvertently along the way, never my intentions but it happens when you publicly put your thoughts out there. If this ever happens please contact me at the email for this blog, it’s listed in the about me section.
The beginning of my journey…..
My life has taken a drastic turn with the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia this last year. The past few years have been rough with my health and it has definitely been snowballing on us. I have spent more time in my bedroom than anywhere else this past year and as you can imagine it’s boring and slowly driving me insane. I have had to lean on friends and family for support to get me and my family through this. We had to hire a nanny to take over my duties as a stay at home mom last spring as I was no longer capable of doing it. Pain and exhaustion kept me bed ridden and unable to pick up our toddlers or care for our home. I was devastated. I felt useless and there are days I still feel that way. At least I have a diagnosis now.
When the doctors are finding that things keep going wrong in your body you start to feel like you are crazy. First this is wrong, then this, and now it’s something else. I began to look at myself in the mirror and wonder if it was all in my head, maybe I was crazy. In January of this year I landed in the Emergency Room (something I have become quite familiar with in the last 10 years) and it finally led me to an Internist. She looked at my medical history and started putting the puzzle pieces together. She sent me to a Rheumatologist who diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. After a few months with him with no relief in sight he sent me to a Pain Management Specialist at one of the best hospitals in Seattle. Some new medications and few weeks later and I went back in for my follow up ready to kiss the doctor!
I am not cured, there is no cure. But when the pain goes from please let me die to this really hurts but I can manage this in a matter of 10 days, there is cause to rejoice. I am on Lyrica and Savella, I am one of the lucky people that the meds give relief to, I have heard from other sufferers that they were not helped. Unfortunate but the nature of the disease, we are all unique.
I still have a very long process ahead of me. One that is going to require me to take baby steps to regain some of my strength and stamina, as I have been sick a long time now. My body is at war with itself and I will never win that war but I can win a few battles! LOL! I will never be the same Mindy I was before I got sick, but I will become a new Mindy who accepts the boundaries of this disease while remaining positive and as healthy as possible and living life to the fullest that I can. I may have to get creative but that’s never been my problem it’s the follow through where I get into trouble LOL!
So that is a little bit about me and why I am writing this blog. Come on in and pull up a chair, I love to talk so leave lots of comments!
~Mindy
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