A couple of painful days....

Well I managed to overdo it again. I can't seem to help myself. I feel like I am no doing anything as it is, I feel lazy. Then I go do what would have been just a year ago things that would have been no big deal, and I am in so much pain I can't even move my arms to type on the computer. I am so frustrated at how useless I feel and how little my body can handle.




Even my children know that Mommy is different and it breaks my heart at how much this has affected them. Colby asks me now How much I hurt, and he really tries not to hurt me. Brynna will walk up and kiss my foot and ask if that helped, which is so darn sweet. Last night I went upstairs to hang out with them, and Brynna grabbed a pillow for my head while, Colby grabbed my blanket so I could get settled into my "nest" on the couch. I have such wonderful children, I just wish I could be the complete healthy mom they deserve.



I don't know how many times I lay in bed at night and wonder if they are going to hate me someday for all the things I wasn't able to do for them at times. How badly is this going to affect them?



I had dreams for the type of Mommy I was going to be. I was going to be the ultimate soccer Mom, involved in all their activities. Enjoying shuttling them from place to place. Being completely hands on. I was going to teach them everything they needed to know to be ready for school, and then some. I was going to be there to help them practice whatever it is they needed. Whether that was playing soccer or baseball with them, dancing, you name it I wanted to run with them or whatever they needed from me. I wanted to be the Mom they could always count on. The Mom who always had snacks ready for friends whether planned or spontaneous.



Now I feel like I have let my kids down. And I fear that someday they'll hate me for it.